April 1, 2014 Tech News

Google Announces Google++

Google++ users will have access to a social network with encapsulation, multiple inheritance, and polymorphism. Google++ users get the added benefit of UML diagrams and free advice from the Gang of Four (The computer scientists, not the punk band).

Yahoo! Acqui-hires Apple

To ensure it has the right talent for the 21st century Yahoo! acquired Apple today, cancelled the iPhone, iPad, iOS, and all those other tired old projects, and distributed Apple’s engineers to it’s most disruptive technology initiatives, including Yahoo! Mail, Yahoo! Groups, and My Yahoo!.

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Buys EVERYTHING

Facebook bought everything, the whole shebang, all of existence, and life as we know it, for a combination of cash and stock valued at $1 Quadrillion USD. “Mark promised the universe would remain independent and free of advertising,” Noted The Creator, who now reports directly to Susan Sandberg.

Apple Unveils Apple TV, Which is Apparently, a TV

Tim Cook released detailed of the long rumored Apple TV. According to Mr. Cook, Apple’s super secret TV is a TV. It hooks up to any cable box and is compatible with almost any Ikea entertainment center. Innovations include a power cable with an odd connector and a remote control with no buttons.

Elite Hackers Who Supposedly Fixed Healthcare.gov Admit They Did Nothing

The co-called elite hackers called-in by the Obama Administration to keep the Affordable Care Act website from crashing admitted, via a blog post on Medium, that while they held many meetings and drew several diagram, the scaling and performance problems with Healthcare.gov were actually resolved by the software developers who have been working on the project the whole time. “Luckily the developers just ignored us and fixed the bugs they were going to fix.”